Side Effects from the Exposure to a Kaiju Femoral Pore
by zunarj5
Summary: Side Effects from the Exposure to a Kaiju Femoral Pore by Dr. Newton Geiszler (feat. Dr. Hermann Gottlieb) I couldn't resist the "Mate or Die" trope and neither could they.


Newton sat in bed with his computer on his lap, trying to write the report on the strange incident that occurred five days ago. He was stuck. Even the title presented quite a problem.

First attempt: "_Kaiju Femoral Pores as a Human Aphrodisiac: Or, How I Gained a Life Partner By Having Sex in an Elevator"_

Second Attempt: _"How to Come Out to An Entire PPDC Base Via a Scientific Discovery."_

Third Attempt: _"Kaiju Balls and Human Co-"_

Delete, delete, delete, delete.

Forth and final attempt: "_Side Effects from the Exposure to a Kaiju Femoral Pore"_ by Dr. Newton Geiszler (feat. Dr. Hermann Gottlieb)

"Because I know he'll have to add something." But every time he thought about the incident he couldn't approach it in a rational, scientific way, only in the hormone-fueled teenager sense. Trying to break down what happened in academic language just made him crack up. At first that was great, like "'have sex or die' because that was so ridiculous, right?" But now it was making him frustrated, so he just let his mind wander back to that day…as if it would help the writing process…which it wouldn't.

They'd just picked up the latest shipment of Kaiju samples from the dock. Newton was even more excited than usual because he would finally get his hands on ("if you'll pardon the expression," he said to Hermann) a rare Kaiju secretory gland. Unable to wait for the help of the transport crew, Newton decided to go alone to pick up the samples. Hermann said he'd go with him because "you'll put your back out again trying to haul around all that filthy Kaiju meat." After Hermann operated the elevator and Newton wheeled in the specimens ("I'm going slower than usual, ok!"), they made the descent to the lab. Everything was running smoothly until there was a great clunk that shook the carriage, causing the jar full of the Kaiju gland to smash to the floor.

"Shit!" Hermann backed away. "This is going to contaminate the sample!"

"I'm more concerned about it contaminating _us_ at the moment. What is it exactly?"

"A femoral pore," Newton sighed with disappointment. "Most of these are on the black market before a scientist can get anywhere near them."

"Dare I ask what a femoral pore _is_? I take it, it's something in the region of the femoral artery."

"Um, yeah. It's a part of this thing called a holocrine secretory gland. Lizards have them too. They're on the inside of the thighs and they um…release pheromones to attract mates."

"Oh. And just what is it going to do to us?"

"Well, I don't know. Possibly nothing. We'd better call for help though." Hermann had already started to communicate to the repair crew who were unable to get to them for at least 45 minutes because of a chemical leak in one of the Jaeger repair bays.

"But this is a chemical emergency as well! We are being poisoned as we speak by an unknown substance!" Eventually Hermann ceased communication on the assurance that the repair crew would be here within a half hour. About five minutes went by.

"Jeeze it's hot in here," Newton said, whipping his jacket off. Hermann was facing away from him with his parka zipped up all the way. "Seriously? You know, that's not gonna help because we're already probably infected. We're gonna have to go through the human carwash after they come and get us." Hermann grumbled something that may or may not have been English. Newton was starting to feel something that he hoped was not a symptom. His pants felt a little tighter than usual around the groin. "Oh no," he thought to himself, "I'm just going to cup it. He's not gonna even notice." Another minute ticked by.

"Um…Newton," Hermann said, still facing the door of the elevator.

"Uh, yeah," Newton tried to say as calmly as possible.

"Are you feeling…a bit strange?"

"Could you be a little more specific?"

"I don't care to say it aloud, if you don't mind."

"Aroused?" Hermann shut his eyes tight as a drum and swallowed hard.

"Um, yes. I presume this is an effect of the exposure."

"Yeah, I think so."

"Are you afflicted as well?" Newton rolled his eyes.

"I wouldn't call arousal an 'affliction' but yes."

"And just what do you propose is doing this," Hermann said, sounding a little short of breath.

"Well, uh, I have a couple ideas. Three to be precise - no, I'm kidding. Um, well, just the general release of pheromones, though we're not the same species, is probably working us up. I mean, it might actually kill us if we don't combat by initiating the release of prolactin, oxytocin, endorphins, or phenylethylamine and especially adrenaline. And norepinephrine and glucose production would…_wow._.."

"Oh I see where this is going," Hermann said suspiciously, unzipping the parka to reveal the obvious tenting of his loose-fitting slacks.

"…be helpful."

"Newton, please don't stare at my trousers."

"Says the man who's also staring at _my_ pants." Hermann looked away. Newton started to pant. Hermann wiped his brow. "God, there's no air in here," Newton said, loosening his tie.

"And why would we die of it? This…um…the effects of the exposure. And hurry up and tell me because I am losing my mental faculties."

"Well," Newton panted harder, "Kaiju are huge and we're tiny by comparison so the overload of pheromones and hormones…the increase in testosterone…without balancing it out with…you know…some kind of orgasm…might kill us. We could die of hyper-exertion. _Phew!_ Um…sorta like Pon Farr."

"Is there really scientific basis for that?" Hermann discarded his parka and rubbed his forehead.

"There is now."

"Do be serious."

"I am!"

"So what do you suggest?" Hermann tried desperately not to look at Newton but he caught a glimpse of his tight trousers again through his fingers and made a strained noise.

"Well…"

"Stop saying 'well'!"

"… we have two options." Newton shook his head sharply to stay focused. "We could, and fair warning here because I'm going to use some sexual language that you won't care for, both jack off in separate corners of the elevator." Hermann's face twisted up tighter than a wet rag. "Or, we could um…maybe…you know…um…."

"Oh for heaven's sake just say it out loud!"

"Have sex together right now." Newton gritted his teeth and shut his eyes waiting to be smacked over the head by Hermann but all he heard was a rough sigh.

"I must admit that thought had already crossed my mind," Hermann said, resigned but pragmatic as usual. Newton opened his eyes.

"Wait, really?"

"I suppose so… it's getting very difficult to fight these urges."

"Urges for me or urges generally?"

"It's hard to tell."

"Ok, so…" Newton said, bouncing from one leg to the other, "How are we gonna do this?"

"Well, I'm not lying on the floor," Hermann breathed, "Even without the burst Kaiju gland, the surface is questionable."

"Right, I agree, no floor. Oh shit." Newton ran his hands through his hair.

"What?" Hermann stepped closer.

"I just had another thought, we don't have any condoms or anything, at least I don't."

"No, well, we've just had our blood work done last week. My results were clean."

"Oh right! Yeah! Me too! So, how about…mutual masturbation, frottage?"

"Christ," Hermann put a hand over his face.

"Ok, it's not that bad." Newton stood even closer when Hermann pulled his hand off his eyes.

"Alright, uh…"

"Let's just go for it. Three…" Hermann moved closer and nodded. "Two…" Newton started to reach out to him. Hermann dropped his cane. "One." They both dove at eachother, gripping eachother with vice-like hands. It was surprising how much coordination they had. How they managed to kiss eachother square on the lips without drawing blood could fill an entire thesis on its own. Also surprising was that they both added tongue. Newton moaned in shock. Then he slid his hands under the seam of Hermann's sweater vest and worked it off. Hermann helped, but only when it was absolutely necessary to bring it over his head. His hands were back on Newton before it even hit the floor.

"Holy shit, this is actually working," Newton managed to say before their mouths were once more engaged. Hermann firmly squeezed Newton's ass.

"Forgive me for touching you in such an inappropriate manner, but I am unable to stop myself."

"Oh my God no," Newton breathed, "Keep goin,' I'm 99% sure this is the way to cure us."

"What - what do you mean; Why are you not 100% sure?" Hermann pulled Newton's tie off and started on his buttons, opening his shirt. He slipped his hands around Newton's waist, the soft flesh spurring him on to press them together.

"I'm 99% sure because we're letting our instincts take over and…" Hermann kept grinding into him slowly, repeatedly. _"And…and…..and..."_

"What?!

"…that's how these contaminations work and…_unf_…if we're gonna die from this it wouldn't be such a terrible thing to die in eachother's arms, right?" Newton unzipped Hermann's trousers.

"Newton," he said, looking down at him, "I'm flattered, I had no idea you were such a romantic."

"Yeah, well. I mean, you're my best friend so…" Hermann was struggling to undo Newton's skinny jeans.

"I am?" Hermann stopped what he was doing and looked at Newton, sweat dripping down his face.

"Yeah." Newton put a hand on the back of Hermann's damp neck and pulled him into a kiss.

"You must have very few friends," Hermann said when they broke for air.

"Thanks for insulting us both, dude." Newton reached into Hermann's underwear to set him free. Hermann moaned, and let his head tilt back. But then he went back to Newton's pants and brought him out too. Newton groaned and squeezed harder in return.

"Do you mean it?" Hermann asked against Newton's mouth as he brought them even closer. They ground into each other, flesh against flesh. Their urgency increased 10 fold.

"Yeah, you're my best friend and your conversation is first class…_oh man_…no one else comes close…and you're kinda….sexy." Newton took them both in his hand, sliding a hand across Hermann's thin, perspiring chest and around to his back. Hermann settled one hand between Newton's shoulders and one hand down Newton's pants onto his bare backside.

"_Oh!_….A-as are you." Newton sped up. Both were panting, sweating.

"You don't have to say that. I know that's just the phenylethylamine talking," Newton said, leaning forward to kiss his chest.

"No..._Newton, oh that's…_I was quite sincere. It's impossible to be bored with you and now I see you're quite fit…but then, you've always been…rather alluring." Hermann kissed Newton's neck as he spoke.

"Dude, really? I thought I totally repulsed you?" Newton said as he rubbed his thumb over their heads, spreading precum between them, slipping his hand up and down their shafts. Hermann grunted.

"Only to a point…_oh_…your taste in clothing and body art is questionable but t-that does not entirely detract from your physical and i-intellectual qualities."

"You really know how to sweet talk a guy, don't you Herms?"

"Let's stay focused, shall we?" Hermann said, kissing him on the mouth again, "We don't have much time left before we're rescued."

"Yeah," Newton said, closing his eyes. Their movements became more emphatic.

"_Newton_…_oh yes._"

"_Hermann_…if someone told me a year ago that we'd…"

"Do shut up…"

"That's more like it."

"_Newton, oh yes,_" Hermann said, breathing hard.

"Ok, _this_ is happening…_yeah…yeah…Hermann I'm…_" He came, hips bucking involuntarily. Hermann followed a second later.

"_Gnnnnng hoh!_ Gordon Bennett!"

"Who's he?!" Newton said, with his resting on Hermann's cum-splattered chest.

"It's a euphemistic expletive I'll explain it later." Then they started to laugh until they were shaking with it.

"The serotonin is now taking effect."

"Thank you, Dr. Geiszler," Hermann said in jest.

"Please, don't ever call me that again."

"I will endeavor not to." There was a pounding on the door.

"Wait!" Newton yelled as they scrambled to clean up and throw their coats on. "I hope you're wearing Hazmat suits!" There was an affirmative to Newton's warning. He smiled at Hermann sheepishly. Hermann reciprocated. When the elevator was operational again, they were carted off to the medial bay and straight into the "human carwash."

"Newton, please, people may be watching." Newton continued to kiss him as anti-bacterial infused water cascaded down their bodies.

"Well, there're gonna know about what we did to survive when I write a paper on it."

"No, no," Hermann protested, "They mustn't know."

"Why the hell not?"

"Because, it's rather personal."

"Yeah, I know, but it's a pretty important breakthrough."

"But the black-market dealers already know the effect it has."

"When ingested, yes. But they don't know about the airborne effects are and they don't have the scientific background to analyse it." Hermann sighed. "Hey, can you go back to touching me and we can argue about this later?"

"Fine."

"Hey, this was a good thing right? I mean, you said I was 'alluring' which means you were attracted to me before we were enveloped in a cloud of Kaiju pheromones."

"That's certainly true."

"So, are we gonna talk about this like it's a real thing and not an illness."

"Perhaps."

"Which means people are gonna know eventually. Unless it's not a real thing." Newton suddenly became more serious, hanging on Hermann's response.

"Yes, it is a real thing. I'm just a very private person and this has been a bit of a jolt for me. I need time to process this."

"Ok," Newton said, starting to back away.

"No, Newton," Hermann said, pulling them back together, "I do need time to think about this on my own, but I was going to say that you and I should talk about this together."

"Oh," Newton dared to hope, "You mean, a relationship?" Hermann nodded. Newt raised his eyebrows. Then he became sad again.

"What?"

"What if you're not interested in me after the pheromone mist wears off?"

"It's wearing off already, but I still fancy you like crazy." Hermann remained bashful.

"Whoa, dude!" They bother grinned. They were released from the disinfecting shower and released to their rooms. Down the hallway, Newton turned to Hermann.

"Will you sleep with me tonight?"

"I'm rather tired just now."

"No, I mean actual sleep."

"Oh, in that case yes, let me go get my night attire," Hermann said, positively jovial as he headed off to his own room. Five days passed. Hermann stayed over every night. Some nights they made love, some days they didn't.

"Hey Hermann?"

"Yes, Newt?" Hermann said from somewhere under the bedclothes.

"Would you help me with this report?" Hermann emerged from the blankets and looked at Newton.

"Yes, I suppose I've been putting it off."

"I mean, if you don't want to work on it, i-if you don't want me to write it…"

"No, I think we might as well. You're quite right. I know we have nothing to hide."

"Still, I know how private you are."

"Yes, I am and always will be, but I would like people to know that something good came of the Kaiju's for once."

"Good point." Newton kissed him. Hermann sat up and wrapped an arm around the man's shoulder.

"Now, how can I be of help?"


End file.
